So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
