someone get that fucking seahorse.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
50% drunk capacity currently
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
