I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize