so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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