I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
