Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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