his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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