i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
