Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize