didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
