that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
