I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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