Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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