Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
