Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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