Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize