What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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