This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize