Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
