i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
