the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
