I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
