I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
