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I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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