Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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