Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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