I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone came in the potted fern
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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