New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
