Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
