I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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