She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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