I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
