College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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