hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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