I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
