I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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