I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
