Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
