I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
