What a fucking waste of an outfit
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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