Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
