My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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