she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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