If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
