Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
