I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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