Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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