Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
