so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
