I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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