I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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