buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
