I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
