Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
