She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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