she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just had sex on a roof
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
