Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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