porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
